Why you’ll probably regret becoming a dad
Here’s what you need to know if you’re a man thinking about having kids: you probably will regret becoming a dad. But there’s a catch: that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the wrong decision.
How can both these things be true, and what does it mean for your decision about kids?
That’s what this post is all about. We’re going to look at the four different types of fatherhood regret and why only one of them means having kids was the wrong decision. I’ll also explain why you’ll probably regret being childfree too, and you’ll find out what role regret should play in your decision about having kids.
The four types of fatherhood regret
Let’s start by looking at the four types of fatherhood regret, including the one that means having kids was the wrong choice.
Momentary regret
The first is momentary regret. This is the kind of regret that hits you suddenly, lasts a few minutes, or hours, maybe days, but then recedes or balances out. It might happen when you realise you can’t go out to dinner this month because you had to spend £200 on a new pram for the baby, or when you’re up at 3am and your child just won’t go back to sleep.
In the early hours one night, when my son was about five months old and not sleeping well at all, and I was run down by exhaustion, I told my wife I regretted having him. Now the only thing I regret is that comment. My feelings shifted back really quickly once we got a bit of sleep.
And that’s how momentary regret works. You feel regret for a moment, but by itself it doesn’t really mean… anything. It certainly doesn’t mean having kids was the wrong decision.
Stage regret
The second type of regret, which is more serious, is what I call stage regret. It’s tied to a particular stage in your child’s life, so it lasts longer than momentary regret and has more impact, but it’s still finite.
This can happen at lots of different stages. It’s very common in the first six months of parenthood, when there are lots of changes you’re adapting to – grappling with a newborn, adjusting to a bit less freedom and time for yourself, and potentially friction in your relationship from all the changes. The strong mother-baby bond in these early months can often leave men wondering where they fit in as well.
It’s also common at the toddler stage when you’re probably struggling with childcare costs and your kids are learning how to manage their emotions, and obviously during the teenage phase when kids want to rebel and may have more complex emotional issues. But really it can happy at any stage for reasons that may be unique to you and your family.
When you have stage regret, it’s not fatherhood itself that you regret, but a stage of it. A stage that will pass. Stage regret can last a few weeks, months, sometimes even a few years. The longer it goes on for and the deeper it’s felt, the more serious it is. But if it’s tied to the challenges of a particular stage – not fatherhood in general – then looking back on it, you should still be able to say I enjoyed fatherhood, just not that stage of it. That’s not full-on regret because it’s balanced out by your experience of fatherhood as a whole, so it doesn’t necessarily mean fatherhood was the wrong choice for you.
Aspect regret
Aspect regret is the third type, and it’s a bit more serious than stage regret because it can last longer and sometimes even be permanent. It’s when you regret a particular aspect, or aspects, of fatherhood and that feeling continues through multiple stages over a period of years.
Loss of freedom is a common source of this kind of regret. You might mourn the days of easy, spontaneous living. Another one is a feeling of lost potential, of a path not travelled. If saying yes to fatherhood means that, for whatever reason, you have to say no to – or postpone – other opportunities or life goals, you might regret having to let go of those. There are other potential causes too, but the thing they have in common is that the feeling of regret persists for a long period of time.
But aspect regret doesn’t necessarily mean you will regret your decision as a whole. Aspects can be weighed against and balanced out by other aspects. What you lose in freedom you might gain in connection and growth. What you missed out on in one area of life might not be as significant as what you gained in others. If it’s one or two aspects that you regret, and these are balanced out by all the aspects you don’t, then you can still be content that you made the right choice.
Pervasive regret
The final type of regret, and the one that almost always means fatherhood was the wrong choice for you, is pervasive regret. This kind of regret is long-lasting and all-encompassing. It’s not limited to a particular moment, or stage, or aspect of fatherhood. What you regret is fatherhood as a whole.
This happens when there is a fundamental conflict between what you need and want in your life and what fatherhood gives you.
Often this kind of regret is preventable if you make an informed, thoughtful decision about whether fatherhood is for you in the first place.
If you’re thinking about this decision and worried about making a choice you’ll regret, then you’re in the right place because The Dad Question is all about helping men make an informed decision you can stand behind. Make sure you join my email list for regular insights and resources to help you make your decision.
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Why does pervasive regret happen?
Sometimes, unfortunately, men hand off the decision about kids to their partner and don’t think about it much themselves, or they really don’t want kids but think they can say yes and sort of opt out of parenting. Pervasive regret hits those men hard, and everyone suffers.
Pervasive regret can also happen if your expectations of fatherhood turn out to be incredibly different from the reality. I often warn about focusing only on the worst-case scenarios of fatherhood because that leads to making a decision based on a distorted perception of what fatherhood is. But the same is true of best-case scenario thinking. To make an informed decision about fatherhood, you need to get a complete perspective on it, not just the positive or the negative in isolation.
And, finally, it can happen if you come into this decision not really knowing yourself or knowing what you want out of life. Because the things you thought you’d find fulfilling about fatherhood you might not find fulfilling at all.
Of the four different kinds of regret, pervasive regret is the only one that means fatherhood was definitely the wrong choice for you. Regret in its other forms is real, but it can co-exist alongside joy and fulfilment and be outweighed by them.
Why you’ll probably regret being childfree too
Now, in case you’re thinking regret in its various forms is only limited to people who have kids, let’s be clear: it goes the other way too.
Even for someone who has made absolutely the right decision to be childfree, moments of regret, even stages or aspects of regret, are possible. And all the more so if it’s a decision you were torn about – if there are parts of you that could have been happy with kids, but you’re happiest being childfree.
It might be a moment of watching your friends with their children and seeing the depth of their bond, or a stage of your life where you’re struggling with loneliness or lack of purpose, or an aspect of your life that you feel is missing that maybe fatherhood could have given you.
But when those moments recede, when you move to a different stage of your life, or when you balance the aspects you feel you’re missing with those you do have, then you’ll be reassured that you made the right decision.
As with fatherhood, only pervasive regret indicates you made the wrong choice to be childfree. The other forms of regret can co-exist with a decision that is right for you overall.
What role should regret play in your decision about fatherhood?
The idea of complete certainty, no regrets is appealing. But it’s not real life and it doesn’t help you make a real decision about fatherhood.
Whatever decision you make, whether you choose fatherhood or being childfree, there will be elements of regret.
The shift lies in asking, what would you regret more? And what decision best aligns with who you are and the life you want. There isn’t a perfect decision. But there is a right decision.
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