What if she wants kids but you’re not sure?
If your partner wants kids and you’re not sure, you’re probably wondering what that means for the future of your relationship and your choice about children.
Some people say when it comes to disagreeing about kids, there is no room for compromise – you need to break up and make separate choices.
I’m here to tell you that is absolutely not true.
In fact, you have three options. In this post, we’re going to look at each one, and by the end, you should have a better idea of how you and your partner should handle this.
But before we dive in, let’s get clear on one thing: you have to be sure of your own position on whether you want kids before you make any decisions about the future of your relationship.
How to get clear on whether fatherhood is for you
I’m going to give you three quick tips on how to get clear on whether fatherhood is for you. If you’ve been stuck on the question of fatherhood, these could get you get unstuck.
One, stop thinking about this as a black and white decision. The question isn’t actually do you want kids or do you want to be childfree – it’s which do you want more. If you mostly want one or the other, but a small part of you is holding back, then give yourself permission to make the choice that most aligns with what you want.
Two, try answering this question: if there were no practical obstacles, such as challenges around money or childcare – if anything were possible – would you want to have a child? While practical considerations primarily speak to whether you can have a child, internal factors speak to whether you want to have a child. This question helps you to separate the two and see which is behind your uncertainty.
Three, don’t make this decision based only on worst case scenarios. It’s normal to fixate on the worst perceived aspects of fatherhood or being childfree, like dealing with screaming babies or moments of loneliness in old age, but those images – powerful as they are – don’t tell the whole story. Think about what the whole of your life will look like in either scenario, positive and negative, short term and long term.
If you want more insights on how to make this decision, check out my free guide on the five big questions to ask before making a decision on fatherhood. It’s packed full of useful tips, and it will help you think through the key aspects of this decision in a structured way.
Don’t make any decisions about the future of your relationship until you’ve read the guide, thought about the key issues, and made a decision on whether fatherhood is for you.
Now, if you decide you want to be childfree, but your partner wants kids, let’s look at your options.
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Option 1: she compromises, no kids
This might seem like the ideal solution for you. You stay with your partner, and together you go with your preferred choice to be childfree. But for it to work, it has to be sustainable for your partner. And there are two factors that are crucial in determining that.
First, how important is having children to her?
Think about all the things that matter to her and put them on a scale of importance: this might include her family, friendships, career, particular interests and hobbies, hopefully your relationship, and anything that you think is relevant.
Where would having children go?
If it’s fairly low down, or maybe in the middle, then this option might be a possibility for you. If it’s high up, then it’s going to be a lot harder. You’d be taking something away that she may feel is fundamental to her happiness.
The second factor is how close your partner’s own decision about children was. Has she always known she wanted kids, and there was never any doubt? Or has she wrestled with this question herself and only narrowly came down in favour of kids?
If there is a big part of her that could embrace and enjoy a childfree life, then compromise on her part is more realistic. But if the decision was never close – if there is no part of her that wants to be childfree – then you’re asking her to live in complete opposition to her own desire, and that often just won’t work.
If we put these two scales – importance and decision strength – together, then compromise on her part is most sustainable if she feels that both are quite low. If they’re both high, then this is much less likely to be a sustainable compromise for her.
Option 2: you compromise, yes to kids
Is it okay to have kids even if being a dad isn’t your first choice?
A lot of people will instinctively and emphatically say no – and with good reason. Part of that is about you – no one should have to lead a life that won’t make them happy. Part of it is about your partner – because sometimes reluctant people say yes to kids but then leave their partner to do most of the work of bringing them up. But most of it is about the kids – because no child deserves to have a dad who doesn’t want them.
All of that is valid, and it should give you pause for thought if you’re considering this option.
But here’s what most people miss: the question of whether or not you have kids may not be a black and white decision for you. It may be that you favour being childfree, but only narrowly – that, actually, you could also see yourself being very happy with children. It may also be that your desire to be childfree is less important to you than your relationship and your partner’s happiness.
And so we go back to those two scales: importance and decision strength. If being childfree is very important to you – just as important, or more important, than your relationship – and your decision to be childfree is a strong one, then this compromise is much less likely to work for you. But if you only narrowly favour being childfree, and your relationship is more important, then this is a viable option for you.
Just remember: for this to work, you must be prepared to fully embrace fatherhood. You and family deserve no less.
Option 3: break up
When you’re thinking about whether or not you want kids, there’s nothing more panic-inducing than the anxiety that you’re not just making a big life decision about children, but you’re also making a decision that could determine whether your relationship continues. It’s one reason we find it so difficult to think about, let alone talk about.
But like it or not, the two are connected. Maintaining a successful relationship often comes down in large part to alignment on life goals and decisions, and there’s nothing more fundamental than the decision about having kids. If the two of you are out of alignment on this, then breaking up is one possible option.
Whether that’s the best option for you depends on the strength of your feeling about being a parent vs. being childfree, relative to how important your relationship is to you. And the same is true of your partner.
That is a decision only you and your partner can make.
What next? Talk about it
This is such a high stakes decision, it’s tempting to just try and avoid it for as long as possible. But it’s better to make the decision consciously, with your partner, rather than letting the question linger until it creates conflict.
Whatever decision you make, don’t underestimate the relief you will feel from being able to move forward with your life in a clear direction.
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Only you and your partner can make this decision. This blog post helps to inform you about the choices available to you.
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