When is it too late to become a dad?
Recently, someone came to do some work on my house. As it was the school holidays, he’d brought what I thought was his teenage son with him. Turns out, it was his grandson. This guy looked way too young to be a grandad, and the surprise must have been evident on my face because he quickly explained he’d had his first child aged 18.
He told me that was always his plan because he wanted to have the energy to run around with his children. He didn’t want to be an old dad. And there I was – a first-time father at age 35 – nursing my sore back from having to lift my son for the twentieth time that day.
I definitely wouldn’t have been ready for kids aged 18, and although it clearly worked out well for this guy, it probably wouldn’t be right for a lot of people. But I did wonder – not for the first time – if I had left it a little later than I should have done. There’s this idea that, being men, we can leave it longer to have kids and not suffer significant consequences. But it’s not that simple, as my sore back can attest.
If you’re wondering how old is too old to be a dad, whether you’re leaving it too late, and what challenges older dads will face, then keep reading – we’re going to get into all of that.
The science
Let’s start with the science – always a good place to begin.
Guys, you may think the biological clock is just for women, but I’m here to tell you it’s not. It concerns you as well.
It’s true that female fertility typically declines earlier and more sharply than for men. For women, fertility starts declining significantly from age 35, and by the time most women are 45, they will be infertile.
But male fertility declines as we get older too, particularly after age 40. One study has shown that for a 45 year old man, it’s five times more likely that conception will take longer than a year than it is for a 25 year old, regardless of the age of your partner.
So although men generally have it a bit easier when it comes to fertility issues, you certainly shouldn’t consider yourself immune to them as you get older. And I’ve got some more news for you, guys – no matter what your fertility is doing, you’re still affected by your partner’s just as much as she is.
Fertility isn’t the only issue. Being an older dad increases the risk of your child having complications, including complications during pregnancy and birth, as well as birth defects and health conditions later on. Having children younger doesn’t provide any guarantees against complications. It just means the risks increase the older you get.
Now, remember that this kind of information tells you about the whole of the population; it doesn’t tell you what your experience will be. Nor should it be the only thing guiding your decision about having children – it’s just one set of factors to consider.
Advantages
I do have some good news for prospective older dads. There are advantages of having children a little later on.
For one, you’re more likely to be financially stable and comfortable enough to afford it. It’s no secret that raising children is expensive. This is one area where doing it in your late 30s or 40s is probably going to be better than doing it in your 20s when you might be, well… broke, or at least not thriving financially.
You’re also likely to have more life experience and emotional maturity as you get older. This may not be true for all men – we all have that friend – but it’s true for most of us. It can be useful to draw on that when you’re facing challenges with parenting, or when your child is facing their own challenges and needs your help.
And let’s not forget what is arguably the biggest benefit of all to having kids later on. It means you can enjoy more time focusing on you when you’re younger, including enjoying maximum freedom and independence. It can be nice letting that stage of life go on a little longer.
Disadvantages
Of course, there are disadvantages, too.
You may be more financially stable, but depending on how old you are when you have kids, you could find yourself approaching retirement while they are still under your roof and financially dependent on you. That might not feel like the ideal situation when you’re hoping for a bit more time and freedom in retirement, and when you’re needing to adjust to a reduced income.
You also have to consider the energy levels required to raise children, both mental and physical. This is real, gents. As rewarding as having kids can be, at times it’s exhausting, and the older you get, the less equipped you will feel for that.
Finally, the older you get, the greater the chance you will experience health problems. Whether it’s aches and pains, mobility issues, or serious illness, navigating bad health while raising children can be hard on everyone. I dealt with my father having a serious illness when I was in my early 20s, and as hard as it’s been, I’m glad it was then and not when I was a child.
Regardless of what health problems you may or may not have later in life, our time here is finite. The later you have children, the less time you’ll get to spend with them, and the less time they’ll get to spend with you. Make sure you think about the impact of that on you and your child.
So, how old is too old?
There isn’t an exact age you can pinpoint as too late to be a dad. It’s more of a continuum, in which certain things get more challenging as you get older, but also in which some things may get easier, up to a point.
It involves some trade-offs. Becoming a dad later might mean it takes longer to conceive, it might mean you have less energy, but you could trade that off against more emotional maturity and more financial resources.
And everyone is different. Maybe you’re a 42-year-old with great health and limitless energy, with no sign of those declining anytime soon. Or maybe you’re a 35-year-old, and you’re needing those lazy weekends more and more. Only you know.
Generally speaking, if you’re in your mid to late 30s, or early to mid 40s, it’s absolutely possible for you to thrive as a dad. After that point, while everyone is different, it’s going to be harder for you to be in that sweet spot on the continuum where the relative challenges of being an older dad are balanced out by the advantages. By the time you’re in your 50s, while not impossible, starting a family is uncommon and certainly comes with tough challenges.
Let’s end by thinking not just about your age but about what you can offer your child. If you will be committed and involved, then that counts for a lot, because an older father who is invested in their child will be better for that child than a younger one who isn’t. Age matters, but there is a lot more that goes into fatherhood than just that.
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If you have any worries about fertility, pregnancy/birth complications, or any other related health issues, it’s always best to discuss them with a doctor.
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Sources and further reading
BBC: Article examining female fertility, including comparisons with male fertility